Just Jesh...

I never really know where to begin these letters to you. I have so many emotions and memories in my bank, I have a hard time putting them all together to help you reflect on our past. I do this every year on our anniversary and I hope that you never get tired of it.

Nine years ago, we met online in a chat room. Our relationship took off in flight and we were fast friends. We continued to grow close to one another and we learned things about each other that allowed us to build a relationship that is impenetrable. We were the stereotypical lesbian couple and of course, we were packing U-Haul trucks just three months later. I will never forget the moment you asked me to come live with you. At that time, we we were still living in different states, but you had come to Iowa to see me (as you did every weekend). We were in Dally’s, our little bar in Des Moines, and we were talking about the living situation. Our conversation silenced for a bit and when I turned to you, you simply said in an innocent and sincere tone, “Do you wanna come live with me?” This was all just reassurance that loving you so quickly was not a mistake.

So, we began our life together and it’s been a pretty damn good ride for the past nine years. We have most certainly gone through our fair share of differences and difficulties. We have traveled together, shared our families with one another, and tried to begin our own family. Our relationship has been so solid and we have never wavered. I did not think that I could possibly love you any more. But then, we shared something so incredibly amazing and sad, that my love for you grew in ways that you will never know, and I will never be able to tell you. When Ava was born, we both changed immediately. But when we lost her, we also lost a part of ourselves. A new chapter of our lives opened up and I think we both realized that what we have is truly something that can’t be said for many people.

You have taught me things about myself that I never knew. You have helped to change me into the person I am today. You are kind, considerate, affectionate, humorous, beautiful, simple, and just you. You have allowed me to be vulnerable in ways that I would never even allow myself. I look into your eyes and see a different person than I saw nine years ago. However, as you and I have both changed over the years, our love has changed into what it is today. I would never, and could never take that for granted. I love you with all of my heart and can not wait to spend my remaining years on this earth, with you by my side.

We’ve got a good thing, kid. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

My love,
-your favorite

For years now, I have been listening to the supposedly gay Brandi Carlile. Now, you may be wondering why I mentioned she was “gay.” Well, to listen to an artist and share something like your sexuality, it’s easy to put yourself in the story and make it your own. A friend from Seattle sent me a disc of Brandi’s live music and from the moment I heard the first note, I knew I was going to love it and it would impact my life in profound ways.

Now, let me take you back to my younger years. And, by younger years, I mean MUCH younger than I am now. I had a crush infatuation with Reba McEntire. Now, wait a minute before you judge. She was a hot mess back in the day, at least, she was to my pre-teen mind. I listened to her music constantly, old stuff, new stuff, and everything in between. I couldn’t relate to about 98% of her music being as young as I was, but I tried. I couldn’t tell you at this point what the infatuation was with Reba. I look at her now and think to myself, what were you thinking? She is a decent artist, and she is a very beautiful person, but why Reba?

Then, along came Brandi. When I started listening to Brandi, I felt exactly the same way that I felt when I listened to Reba as a kid. Lame? Kinda. But, I realized that it wasn’t infatuation that I was feeling, it was inspiration. Brandi inspires me, and she does it beautifully with her lyrics and her music. Her music can be assimilated with many different areas of my life. She has pulled me through tough times, and she has the ability to light up a room with her voice.

Music is an important part of my life it is also something that brings my partner and I together. We share the same love for Brandi Carlile and many other music artists out there. But, Brandi helps tell our story.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you

You see the smile that’s on my mouth
It’s hiding the words that don’t come out
And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed
They don’t know my head is a mess
No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what
I’ve been through like you do
And I was made for you…

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you